Parenting
Concepts for Parents
It's important to recognize that in the process of parenting your children, you will encountering how you were parented as an infant, toddler, prepubescent and teen. In other words, your parents gave you parenting models that will show up automatically, and may require you to assess how much of what they did with you is really what you want to do with your own child.
Pragmatically speaking, parenting an ever-developing child is a moving target, and requires attuning your approach with their abilities and developmental needs.
The expression of a child's natural developmental needs is normal and healthy, and the response of parents to these needs can make a huge difference in future health, functioning, and resilience as the child gets older. Most parents have to learn to navigate their response between two poles at the end of a response spectrum. At one end of the spectrum is the more harsh "Massive Frustration" of the need, and at the other end is the extremely permissive "Overindulgence" of the need.
Either end of the spectrum is problematic, and the goal, typically, is to "Optimally Frustrate" the expression of the need, meaning that the need is allowed and supported, and when needed, gentle and firm limits are set and enforced. There is an art to this, and perfection is not necessary to do a good job and get the benefits of a child who can both enjoy their own autonomy and expression, while being able to exist with others in a functional way.
Here is one perspective on the framing of early developmental needs :
Need to be welcomed, wanted and safe
The right to have one's needs be responded to
The right to have a separate sense of self
The right to feel good about the self one has
The right to exert one's will and control
The right to pursue affection, competition, pleasure and love
My thanks to Stephen Johnson, PhD. for his contributions to my understanding about these issues
Another potentially useful concept is that children's behavior is communication. Children are not very sophisticated early on, more like pleasure seeking critters than rational beings. As a result, they can't identify needs, feelings, requests, or even have explanations for why they do what they do. That's where parents come in handy--they can put words to feelings, motives, desires, and can make guesses so children can learn about themselves. The parental request, "Use your words" is designed to minimize acting out behavior through verbal expression and negotiation. Though, children can only do this if they have been given the words in the first place. They will come to know themselves through your ability to reflect their feelings, needs, wants, etc. , back to them.
Lastly, sometimes parents will want to teach their child something, but the way they attempt to teach actually teaches something unintended. Children will pay far more attention to how they are being talked to than what is being said. Adults are similar, though we have more cognitive abilities that may help us sort that out. An obvious example is spanking a child for hitting another kid--this will be confusing because the words and actions are contradictory. More than likely, what they will learn is to be afraid of your anger, and that hitting in anger is ok.